That One Friend

Everyone has one. That one friend that you worry about falling into things. I'm not talking about drugs or prostitution, but things like going onto Japanese game shows, or wearing crocks with skinny jeans. If you don't have this friend you are either lying or you live in North Korea.

That one friend in my group (a very small one, but it's still a group) is a person named Fatima. She is small, like you can probably mistaken her for a newborn, she is awkward (but we all are in our own ways), and she can whip out a metaphor faster than a hooker can get an STD. With that being said, we text each other quite often and every reply is a piece of literary gold. 

What Dove Chocolate Fortunes Really Mean

I eat way too many Dove Chocolates, and I blame it on the fact that I want to know what each and everyone says on the inside of the wrapper. After eating one too many I feel like Dove is giving me hidden meanings...

What is says:

What it really means:

Life is good...not including rape, diarrhea, sticky hands, math, grandparents trying to understand technology, stolen wallets, child birth, STD's, arthritis  heart burn, indigestion,  failure, sadness of the heart, people who kick kittens, commercials, Hitler, Steve Carell leaving The Office, Amy Pohler breaking up with Will Arnett, The Kardashians, pop culture in general, and smelly poop.

What is says:

What it means:

Become a pyromaniac. Burn your house down. Go ahead..Dove told you to do it. 

What it Says:

What it means:
You know what it means...


What it says:

What it really means:

I hope you fall and hit your face on the dance floor

What it says:

What it means:

Let your worries pile up and then stress about them later while you cry about your life

What it says:

What it means:

Chocolate loves your thighs unconditionally

Five People in History that Look Like Transvestites

1. John Wolfe

2. Frida Kahlo

3. Louis XIV

 4. King Tutankhamun 

(Imagine long model-esque hair)

5. King George I

The Real Meaning of MPH

How long would it take for someone running 10 mph to reach the edge of a cliff, then jump?

Hon, where did you go to elementary school? Because, we need to talk about this. Bless your husband's heart for dealing with you. If I were him, you would be rolling at 80 mph in the grass, because I would have thrown you out of the car.

I love people like this. They make my life. Thank you for being so dumb.

Funny, Hilarious, and Nothing but the Truth

I make it a point in my life to have as much laughter as humanly possible, whether I'm the one causing it or not. And it seems that my self-deprecating, condescending, and often borderline obnoxious ways of seeing the world brings joy in the dark and ugly hearts of humans.

A few days ago, I was conversing with one of my teachers and she asked me, "What makes you laugh?" At that moment I wasn't able to answer her, but after a few days of pondering, I can. The answer is complete and utter stupidity. Mindless things, really. Almost all of them involving amusing myself by watching other people try to get out of difficult situations, most of which I created. It happens a lot when I get bored, especially in school or when I have spare time on my hands.

Another thing that I find joy in is laughing at people like The Kardashians, Lady Gaga, Lindsay Lohan, or Snoop Dogg. They are such a mess. People like that deserve to be laughed at, and I hate it when they take offense in it. Seriously? You make zillions of dollars doing all this stuff and you can't even laugh at your self?

Same people need to take life a little more lightly. Find humor in whatever you feel like. Go kick a person in the zaboomafoo or tell a corny joke, because no one likes people that have something stuck up their butt.

Keep it a personal rule like mine, laugh loudly, laugh at others, and most importantly laugh at yourself as often as possible.

Someone must have fallen really badly for me to be laughing like this.